you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
