I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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