After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
