Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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