I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
