do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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