i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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