O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
