And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
love makes seman taste better
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?