i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?