My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
21 MILFs That Made The Boys Crazy
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap