I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
