My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
