I wish I only lived at night.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
