I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
They have beer where we have blood.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
