You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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