Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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