there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
