totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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