i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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