you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
