A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
