That reminds me...we need to get swords
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
