Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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