No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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