between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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