A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
