Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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