I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
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I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
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Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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