please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
