why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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