We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Send help, water and tortillas.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
