Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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