Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
