My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
