and next time when you feel me up, do it right
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
