youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
