new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
