nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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