Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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