I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
