I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
