just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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