I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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