Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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