My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
