I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
