i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
