How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
