i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
