...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
