this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
