I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
