So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
whose parrot is this?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
