you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
