I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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