No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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