My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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