i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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